ITT: WE MAKE FUN OF YOUR BAND

Generally, we keep things on the posi-tip around here. But occasionally, we forego our policy of ignoring things we don't like and decide to be a bit more pro-active in informing you about upcoming events which may crash unknowingly into your evening. Take the Houston 100 this weekend at Fitz and The Shiloh, for example. Yes, you read that correctly, your mid-Heights refuge from all that is cool, loud and dreaming of Charvelle guitars will be taken over tonight and tomorrow by a bunch of bands you've likely never heard of.

So, inspired by Paul Ford of the morningnews.org's six word review of every single SXSW mp3, we decided to take a listen to all of the Saturday bands listed so we could inform you about what you might end up hearing should you venture to that place you like to venture to (Friday is all Metal, and so our review is that they are loud and terrible; we didn't have the schedule when we started this so we didn't know at the time who to review and who to leave out and even though we do now wouldn't it be a shame to throw all this wit away).

If you are in one of these bands, you will no doubt be upset. Please try to understand, it's your fault - you are in your band and shouldn't be aping tired old forms of music.

Arise the Fallen - finally somebody combines the Killer’s Las Vegas vision of LA with Nickleback’s LA vision of Las Vegas.

The Blue Poptarts – We really wanted this to be a ska band, so how could we not be disappointed?

Counter Current - Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter’s Dead.

Powerhouse - Ok, we actually really like this is a guilty pleasure Atom and His Package kinda way; Carrie Murphy would love this band.

Lunara – People who were so young in the 90s shouldn’t try to keep it alive.

Blackstar - Vote for them to go on warped tour. Forever.

Odd Toddler – CTR+A CTR+X CTR+W. DO NOT SAVE WORK BEFORE EXITING.

Hollow Condolences - Indeed.

Defining Tonight - Coming soon to a valet job near you.

Scarcella 31 - 31 is their combined age?

Action Frank – PUNK ACTION! FRANK ROCK! FRANKLY.

Been Better Off – Here’s a tip – as annoying as it is when bands talk at the beginning of their tracks, put off the music as long as possible.

Midnight Vanity - Way to not play along by making us watch videos instead of listening to tracks and then have your camera person walk around the whole time and give us motion sickness

Useful Information – How many pop punk bands can the planet support people – SUSUTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT for crying out loud!

Defcon 7 – If DEFCON 1 is nuclear war and DEFCON 5 is peace, then what is this?

On Impact – In Francisco’s, no one can hear you screamo.

Tod The Fox - We like bands we can’t pigeonhole; should do a show with The Tontons because the people at this battle of the bands are going to hate them.

Unappreciated - ATTN ROY: The Fatal Flying Guilloteens and O’Doyle Rules are in their top friends.

Josh Finley - A lot of kids with Hot Topic credit cards are going to be very upset when you take the stage.

Jody Seabody and the Whirls - Hey Jody, you should change your MySpace password cause you got haxor3d by a band that sounds noting like your name.

Oxcart Pilot - Kind of a cross between Co-Pilot and mytwilightpilot.

La Sed - ONE MILLION WORDS:


Achilles Revenge - - Their vocalist is named Mr T.; Pity.

Never Ending - - We know how you feel.

Hailstone –This entire sentence is being played though a wah pedal.

Where Vegas Lies - ROCK! ALTERNATIVE! PUNK! We could do this all day.

Ex Officio -We bet someone in this band plays barefoot, ya know, to be WEEEEEIIRRD

Shaddai - Finally an accurate bio; they really are taking my favorite alternative music to a whole new level.

Empty Hollow - How bad could it be:



Drawback Six - There’s only one drawback. Six of them.

Sometimes Nothing - And sometimes, even less than nothing.

The Rocketeer - Again, another blown opportunity to be a ska band.

Alligator Assassins – For a Southern Rock band, they’re decidedly gentile.

Robin Leigh - we are shocked that a female solo performer is being allowed into the Fitzgeralds complex.

Crandallism – We believe that Caalma records is accepting unsolicited demos.